Read some of these when you need a good laugh.

Remember When

Computer was something on TV from a science fiction show.

A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend.

Gig was your middle finger upright.

Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment.

A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity.

A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age.

A cd was a bank account.

If you had a 3 1/2' floppy, you hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file.

If you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while.

Log-on was adding wood to the fire.

Hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

A backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.

Paste you did with glue.

A web was a spider's home.

A virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they wish they were dead!

How To Install Software
A 12-Step Program
by Dave Barry
(from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, ...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?

Choose one, and be honest:

+ ------- + + -------- +

| YES | | SURE |

+ ------- + + -------- +

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in there.

Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.

At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, subdirectories, sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and"doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately swear *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&.

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hot line number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

 
A Guide to Software Revisions

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This e-mail provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1: Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest!

5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

The relative success of the Appleholics program seems to be due to the fact that a Mac user who no longer buys Apple products has an exceptional faculty for "reaching" and helping an uncontrolled Mac user.

In simplest form, the Appleholics Anonymous program operates when a recovered Mac user passes along the story of his or her own problem mousing, describes the serenity he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal user group.

The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the user group:

1. We admitted we were powerless over Apple - that our budgets had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a PC cheaper and faster than a Mac could restore us to competitiveness.

3. Made a decision to turn our programs and our data over to the care of Windows as we understood it.

4. Made a searching and fearless backup of our hard drives.

5. Admitted to Usenet, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have Java remove all these defects of code.

7. Humbly asked cloners to take our Macs as trade-ins.

8. Made a list of all PC users we had flamed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would crash their systems or corrupt their data.

10. Continued to review our posts and email, and when we were flaming promptly canceled them.

11. Sought through ISDN and ASDL to improve our conscious contact with the Net as we understood it, praying only for URLs of the best shareware games and the bandwidth to download them.

12. Having had a rational enlightenment as the result of these steps, we tried to email this message to Mac users and to practice these principles on all our purchase orders.

Newbies are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they do not have the RAM or hard disk capacity to do so.

They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend chat rooms in which recovered Mac users describe their personal experiences in achieving platform agnosticism, and to read Appleholics web pages describing and interpreting the Appleholics Anonymous program.

Appleholics Anonymous members will usually emphasize to newbies that only problem Mac users themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact appleholics.

At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that appleholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from advocacy newsgroups in any form.

Computers VS the Automobile Industry

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

The comparison went like this:

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000 km/hr)

Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?"

If Microsoft Built Cars

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car95" or a "CarNT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The air bag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Microsoft Press Release

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 24, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal".

The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft.

An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".

Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.

Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

Modern Aphorisms

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

8. The modem is the message.

9. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

10. The geek shall inherit the earth.

11. A chat has nine lives.

12. Don't byte off more than you can view.

13. Fax is stranger than fiction.

14. What boots up must come down.

15. Virtual reality is its own reward.

16. Modulation in all things.

17. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

18. There's no place like http://www.home.com

19. Know what to expect before you connect.

20. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice...

21. Speed thrills.

And, finally...

22. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Web and he won't bother you for weeks.

VIRUS ALERT

Paul Revere Virus - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C

Texas Virus - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Airline Luggage Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Star Trek Virus - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

Jane Fonda Virus - Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits on you.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says that everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2 - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain/again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

 
Marooned

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.

Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts,there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer guestioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't there something that you really, really miss?

Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL HERE!!??!!"

Computer Support

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

"John Doe computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

......."Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

......."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

......"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked

now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."